weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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