just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I enjoy the company of your penis
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