I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
