Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
