im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
