Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
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