I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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