i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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