you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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