We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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