I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
