Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
