sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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