I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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