I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Randomize
