My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize