People in love make me want to vomit
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
someone owes me an orgasm
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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