Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
