i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
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