so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Randomize
