apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
