then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
