I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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