she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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