can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You can't motorboat a personality
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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