I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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