I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
