We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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