I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
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