me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
