Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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