Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I can't trust your balls anymore.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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