You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize