just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
