yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
