we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
