Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
