hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
40s are totally the cure
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
