I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize