dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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