idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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