My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
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