Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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