I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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