oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
