seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
