Taylor Swift is so right about you.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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