Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize