was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
