I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
