I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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