I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Randomize
