she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
