3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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