so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
