Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
