I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Randomize
